When an adoption falls through

I haven’t written about our failed adoption in a long time. Mostly because it wasn’t even two weeks after that heartbreaking phone call that we were asked by Coleton’s birth mommy if we would adopt him. The gears shifted quickly back then as I was drifting in and out of pregnancy twice between that loss and when C bear was born. Honestly it left us feeling so hurt and confused that we just didn’t talk much about it.

But it was a loss. It was a traumatic loss.

We had met with his birth mom twice. She loved the Beatles, so we downloaded all kinds of Beatles lullaby music. He was going to be our firstborn son that we could cradle in our arms, rock to sleep, and call by name. He was going to be named Carson, and for two months we pictured what he would look like…be like…sound like…feel like…smell like. We prayed for him and his birth mom every single night.

We decorated his nursery so perfectly. After all, he was about to be born! The birth mommy was going to be induced ONE week after my phone rang. The call came on a Friday. Just in time to cancel his baby shower for the following day.

Heartbreak.

A failed adoption is heartbreaking, not just because it is a loss…but because it’s hurt upon hurt. Not always, but most likely there has been loss or infertility along the way.

Here’s the redemption piece.

It’s amazing how many families are made whole through adoption, and how God gives us a glimpse of his bigger purpose through that. If no one ever faced heartbreaking infertility or loss, so many children would be without a family. So many families would be missing out on these INSANELY AWESOME kids who were WOVEN TOGETHER so they could be theirs!

If we hadn’t gone through so many miscarriages and even walked through that failed adoption, our little Coleton wouldn’t be our son! We literally can’t imagine life without him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we would go through all of the hurt again in an instant to have Coleton and Annabelle here in our arms.

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But, lawdy lawdy…it hasn’t been easy. Especially the day we got the phone call that our first birth mom had changed her mind. Her boyfriend’s parents would be adopting the baby. We were so crushed…upset…confused…PISSED (frankly)….and above all else: heartbroken. All of our personal miscarriages and now this??

Did God not want us to be parents after all? Was there seriously something that wrong with us? WHY?!?!?

We didn’t know. But now we know. It wasn’t any of that. It was that God could see our little Coleton, who was already growing in his mother’s womb. He knew that C was going to fit more perfectly into our family than we ever could have imagined.

If you have had a failed adoption, and I know there are so many of you…I’m so sorry. The pain does subside, but it is harsh and intense initially…and probably will be for awhile. You should grieve. You should mourn (mourning being the outward expression of grief, for example, create a memory book or buy something that will remind you of that child you were growing in your heart.)

As with any grief related to child loss, it is yours. Don’t feel like you “should” or “shouldn’t feel a certain way”. Don’t compare your loss to others and don’t  sweep it under the rug. When an adoption falls through, especially when you’ve held the child in your arms, but also when you haven’t yet (in my experience) is pain upon pain and needs to be processed.

I’m so thankful for the friends who stood by us even when we kept enduring loss and pain. It must have been so exhausting for them! But they didn’t give up on us, and we are so grateful that they kept praying for us and pointing us back to the source of all comfort.

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If you know someone who has had an adoption fall through, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. That child was theirs in their heart, and they just lost that baby (or older child.) Shower them with prayer, words of encouragement, cards, flowers, mementos…whatever kind of love you are best at giving. They need you.

If it was you…hang in there. God’s got this.

 

 

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