I am at a loss for words really, for what I am about to say. At a loss for words on one hand, and on the other hand I am exploding with excitement and joy and so many thoughts I hardly know where to start!
SO, here it goes….I…AM…PREGNANT!!! Not just pregnant like the pee stick had 2 lines pregnant, but I have actually made it over the hump and am moving into the second trimester of pregnancy.
It is still extremely surreal! And although tomorrow is never promised, for babies and adults alike, we are choosing to rejoice and give God all the glory for what seems like it will be our first biological baby who will make it to full term! (we are in the 13th week.)
7 pregnancies. 6 miscarriages. Over 40 technical weeks of pregnancy and morning sickness to get to this point where we feel like we can be joyful in sharing this news with the world, rather than just somberly telling a small circle of people for the purpose of asking prayers as we enter into another murky first trimester.
The reason I am so excited to share this post is not to JUST celebrate this new life…it’s so much more than that. It’s to share another point in this trecherous journey we call life, a point that we feel is completely due to God’s incredible mercy and grace.
Throughout our battle with infertility/miscarriages people have said to us, “You deserve to have a baby so much…” and I’m sure I’ve said this before, but we feel like we’ve come to this place of true humility…which has led us to realize that we don’t deserve anything from God. We can’t “earn” good things by living a good life. Scripture is so clear…”the wages of sin is death” and we all sin! “But the gift of God is eternal life…” Our reward is heaven, and nothing here on earth is promised. The word of God says is so much better than I could: Job 37:23 “We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty; but even though he his just and righteous, he does not destroy us.” Justice would mean for us to be destroyed!! Even the “good” people among us. But he DOES NOT DESTROY US. No, better yet…he saves us. He “makes the rain fall on barren land…He sends rain to satisfy the PARCHED ground and make the tender grass spring up.” (Job 38:26)
There have been days in the last couple years where my sight was cloudy and where it was incredibly difficult to accept or believe that God could provide all the comfort I needed and that heaven would be enough someday. I wanted babies “now.” But glimpse by glimpse, I started to see more clearly that my purpose in life is to glorify God. My selfishness has to die for that to happen. OH how we long to be “happy!” We think we know what will make us happy too…but isn’t it so true that when you get what you want you soon become unsatisfied again?? It’s not about me. This truth is FREEING.
In my PARCHED desert of a life (or so it felt)…the rain was starting to come down.
When we adopted sweet Coleton, God really opened our eyes to the utter truth that His plan is best. We were incredibly humbled through the adoption journey…as we clearly felt like God had ordained from the foundations of the world for Coleton to be a part of our family and that he could knit us together beautifully, in a different way than knitting him together in my womb.
The day we adopted Coleton, I miscarried for the fifth time. Although the loss is always painful, it was a healing day. God showed us that He doesn’t just take away. He also GIVES…and gives generously. We knew the moment we held Coleton in our arms that we could adopt a whole houseful of kids and be so fulfilled. Back in February when we brought Coleton home, a verse that I had prayed for myself resonated in my heart:
“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 113:9
That was a scripture God graciously gave me in the months following our first and probably most devastating miscarriage, in a time that I DESPERATELY needed it.
“My heart pounds as I think of this. It trembles within me.” Job 37:1. I read Isaiah 51 and literally shake as it recalls the story of Sarah who was SO barren in her old age and God brings forth MANY nations through her son…and it goes on to say, “Sorrow and morning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness. ‘I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.'” (v11b-12a.)
I just want to encourage you all as you rejoice with us and read this post and these scriptures that God is the one who has comforted me in my deepest valleys and who will comfort you in yours.
“Yet he is actually not far from each one of us” (Acts 17:27)
I feel like I have so much more to say…and if you’re still reading…I’ll say some of it now and some in more posts later. =)
1) I have been pretty sick…and taking care of Coleton has been my #1 focus…so basically that is why my blog has been MIA in the last couple months. I am hoping now that you know what is going on that I can just share what’s on my heart!! (oh yeah…I’ve been doing modified bedrest..that’ll be fun to tell you about. Also 2x acupuncture a week and drinking some really um…yummy…(insert GAG) herbs from a fertility specialist)
2) Don’t worry, I am not going to be posting belly pictures…or probably even ultrasound pictures. I have been in the “infertility” camp and have SO many close friends going through different aspects of that right now. And oh how I know that these can be such painful reminders of where you maybe aren’t. So PLEASE don’t run away if you’re going through that! I will do my best to be sensitive.
3) I know this might sound silly…but I seriously do not want to hear that “oh, you know what…it’s totally because you adopted a baby that you’re having one now” or anything along those lines. We don’t believe that adopting Coleton has ANYTHING to do with God’s timing for giving us another baby…and our ultimate goal was definitely not just to have biological babies. We definitely still feel called to adopt again and see that as just as much of a joy and gift as this baby is.
4) We know that the babes are going to be 14 months apart!! (insert Gasp!) Some people think this is crazy. Some people like babies a LOT and are okay with chaos 🙂 We would be a part of the second group, and are nothing but thrilled. I know it will be lots of diapers, etc… So please don’t ask about if we’re like…up for the challenge. We totally are, k?
Love you all and THANK YOU SO much for your prayers and support on this CRAZY journey.