Don’t we all want to live life with fervor? Putting everything we have into each day, each conversation, each activity?
I know that’s what I want. It’s not easy when you have lots of ‘plates spinning’ to give everything everything you’ve got. BUT, it’s what we’re supposed to do. When we work, we are supposed to work hard.
Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men”
When we play, we are supposed to play hard. When we rest, we are supposed to focus all our attention on resting. This is so hard when our phones do everything and we never shut them off. Have you recently had an hour of relaxation without looking at your phone, your computer, or your TV? Do you ever let your mind rest when you are awake? Have you ever tried sitting still to meditate on a Scripture passage, in stillness and quiet? Eyes closed, but mind and heart attentive? (It’s lovely, you should try it.)
After a lovely little breakdown last night that another week was starting tomorrow and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I realized that it’s OKAY that I’m at a fork in the wood. (robert frost anyone?)
Kevin challenged me to go to a coffee shop, camp out, do some writing, get in the Bible, and just think and write about what I could be passionate about doing for the next 30 years. (Pretending we just weren’t allowed to have kids at all, what could I find enjoyment in?) This is why I love him so much. He is wonderful.
The last couple weeks, I have just been seeking a part-time job just to “get by” until we get another phone call telling us someone wants us to adopt their baby, or we miraculously pop out a baby of our own.
I have been sitting (well sleeping) by my phone at 5:30am each day hoping in vain that the Moline School District will call me to substitute teach. Has only happened once this whole school year. I love subbing, but it doesn’t do me much good when they don’t call. And I probably wouldn’t want to do this for the next 30 years. It doesn’t ignite a fire in my bones to follow lesson plans designed by someone else.
SO, here I am. Sitting at Dunn Bros. on my second cup of coffee thinking about other options. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
A) I could hold the construction signs. I’m sure you get paid a lot because you are at a high risk of being hit by a car and dying. I might meet lots of interesting people, but the dirty looks from frustrated drivers would probably outweigh any possible benefit. I also don’t think Kev would be a big fan of me working Construction
B) I could teach more QC Holy Yoga Classes. I teach three per week right now, (cut back from 7 a few months ago). This is hard though for a couple reasons.
1) Rarely do classes have more than 3 people these days. Why it went from 20 to 3? I do not know.
2) Spiritually it’s giving out a lot. I don’t want to be drained or overextended in this way.
3) Physically it’s strenuous. It’s hard for me to teach classes without participating in at least SOME of the yoga.
C) I could babysit. The flexibility is great, but my main issue with this is that I’m hopefully going to be a mom for 25-30 years by the time all of our kids go off to college. It’s just hard for me to watch other people’s kids all the time. I want to be a mommy to my own kids. I also like interacting with people who you can have rational conversation with. I want to enjoy this kid-less while I have it.
D) I could go back to school. When I suggested this, My financial rep husband said “no” to more debt. It really is a silly option when I have no idea what I would even want to study. I probably will go back to get my Holy Yoga Masters in January 2012, but that’s not full-time school.
E) I could work at a coffee shop. This is exciting to me, even if I would go home smelling like espresso beans everyday. I think I’d love it and thrive. Now it’s just a matter of finding a coffee shop that won’t make me work on Thanksgiving and Christmas (bye, bye Starbux), and will hire me to work only before 4pm each day. I’m pursuing this option.
F) I could sell more Pampered Chef goodies. I’ve been a consultant for a year, but I like to keep Pampered Chef fun and occasional. It’s a great way to meet people and make a little bit of money, but it’s mostly nights and weekends for the parties. Not something I want to do every week.
G) I could get back into working on my book.
This is the one I get jittery-excited about. I want to write (sorta have already started on) a book called “Phenomenal” (Formerly Known As: I don’t have fake boobies) for young women and girls…it’s a fun, saucy book about how to love yourself head-to-toe (or “bust to butt”) the way God created you. I would study other books like this. I would host “girls nights” and talk to the junior high, high school, and even college aged girls to get their thoughts, feelings and opinions and document them. I would interview girls and give them surveys. I would spend time studying God’s truths in the word. I want to speak to groups of girls about the SERIOUSNESS of this issue, but in a funny way. I want to challenge them and help them change the way they see themselves before it’s too late. This is what I want to do. This is what I honestly think I could do and feel fulfilled, even if we never did get a baby. (OR if we did).
I know Internet quotes are sketchy, but I found this one and liked it:
Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. -Gail Devers
I definitely let the dream of my book being written and published go at some point in the last two heartbreaking years. I think it’s time to pick it back up and move forward. What do you think? What is your dream? Are you going for it?