Crying in the shower

Hey, so I’m not gonna lie. This week has been really hard for me. I think it’s the week our ex-“birth mom” is going to be induced into labor. I’m not saying she definitely is because we don’t get updates anymore, but I was expecting to become a mommy this week. Instead I’m just a stay-at-home-wife/holy yoga instructor/pampered chef consultant/frustrated writer. I thought this season of juggling 5 part time jobs was done. But is not, and there must be a reason. So, I am applying at coffee shops today. It’s time for me to get something to occupy my time besides folding laundry and garage-“sale-ing” for baby stuff.

I wish I could say that I’m doing great. That I’ve accepted this as my lot and just moved forward joyfully, but I just don’t feel like putting up a fight with life today. I feel defeated and I don’t feel like wrestling with God about this. I usually feel like either a)Distracting myself with food or coffee dates with friends b) sleeping or c) crying and saying, “Where are you? Are you faithful? DO YOU HEAR ME?”

Today it was C. I had a super long, hot shower with my brand new jasmine body wash and was simply overwhelmed by everything. Even my delicious smelling new body wash couldn’t scrub away my sadness and my longing and my questions. So I just cried and the water washed my tears off. And I cried some more. I guess it was good for me. I don’t say this for you to feel sorry for me at all. I have the strength of the Lord to pick me up in my weakest, darkest hour. So don’t worry about giving me words. Prayers, definitely welcome. But I want to share my weakness so you can glorify God when he lifts me up. I also just want to be real. I’m desperately borrowing hope, in fact, from all of you who are graciously giving yours to us right now.

I came across this Lamentations 3 just now as I was going through some different passages for devo time. Talk about timely:

20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![b]
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

I am so excited to share this and meditate 0n this scripture at Holy Yoga class tonight.

I will wait, only because I know you are faithful, God.

1 thought on “Crying in the shower

  1. amen. thank you for letting us walk with you through the dark shadows so that we can rejoice with you when we see the dawn breakthrough. Christ says He’ll lead us through the shadow of the valley of death and until we can rest in green pastures by the still waters. Why? Because we all ways moving THROUGH the dark times, but are intended to rest and stay in the calm serenity of green pastures and near still, (read: danger free), waters. I can’t wait to celebrate with you when we reach those calm waters, they’re just past the horizon. He promises. I LOVE YOU!

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